A Soul Pondering

The knowledge of our own poverty brings us to the moral frontier where Christ works. -Oswald Chambers

I have been struck by contemplation of my own spiritual poverty this week. The more I grow in grace, the more I come to grips with my deep need for more. In this soul discovery, I've found the basis for much of my sin is unbelief. As this was turning around in my mind, it really started to bother me. So, I took some time to journal and asked myself the question: "If I really believed God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do, then how would my thoughts and actions change?" Needless to say, the list was inexhaustible and I very quickly felt overwhelmed by the contrast of God's magnitude and my fluttering unbelief. In the end, I stopped to worship Him for who He is and recognize that He is in charge of changing me. It is my charge to repent and give myself again to His shaping. My mantra in prayer this week was, "Lord, help my unbelief!" In other words, transform me from the inside out. I want to act in accordance with the truth about God that dwells deep within. The basis for all of this thinking is of course the fact that we innately act out what we believe to be true (Proverbs 12:20). If I worry when God says not to worry (The truth being everything is under His control), then clearly I am faltering in my belief that God is, in fact, in control.

The past few weeks, in conjunction with this, I have also been meditating on Romans 6 all the while asking God to transform my heart. I come back to this passage daily to soak in its pungency. I can hardly grasp this concept of grace in my life! My hope is that as this passage becomes part of me, I will begin to be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit. On top of all of this inner turmoil, I have experienced tremendous amounts of grace in context of friendships, work and study. My heart sings with gratitude, but it also stings with a sense of unworthiness. Experiential knowledge leaves an indelible impression, yet sometimes a much harder lesson!