Take Me Back

Gate falls. Pulsing red

lights. Tall, white

 poles passing.

Desperate to smell

salty ocean breath

Red, orange and

purple hues

swirl. Listen,

aquatic rythym syncs your breath.

Captured castles await you

Knee deep

can’t reach, crashing,

rushing,

and sucking

stinging eyes, almost lost my suit

Shades of red

skin. Frizzy hair, untamed.

Steamy

five o’ clock shadow.

Heavens flash and rumble,

run for cover

El’s drive-in.

Generations rave.

Fried shrimp,

cole slaw and ketchup

between the bun.

 

Purple awning dawns.

To the pier and back

with mom.

Tiny footprint engrave the tracks.

Gritty toes, a trail of sand,

seashells in the sink.

Hot cocoa melted marshmallows

soothes the lingering chill.

Hints of Me

I'd walk from Cork to Larne to see the forty shades
or all the way to China for a glimpse of ancient jades

Life after death, eternal living
Chaotic to calming, life giving

Critters in disguise
To the predator's surmise

Squeeze, juice, or slice
A fragrant spray or over ice

Starbucks, Garnier, and BP
attract with hints of me

George, Abe or Andrew
Out of print: two

Hug the tree, bend the knee
Refuse to reuse

From Titletown to Emerald Isle
to Stephen Kind's The Mile

Flatter with purple, magenta or red
Deuteranopia paints me dead

Ensalada, melon and tea
Blue and yellow matrimony-y

"Lu se" in Mandarin Chinese
Not so good in macaroni and cheese

Relationship with the Dead

Desiring relief of
endless grief,
Mothers come,
searching the name of their son,
longing for one last
conversation.

Hand placed
upon the engraved,
now
representing
just a name
absorbing grief.

Say goodbye,
longing for
the name
to come alive.
Instead to find,
a wall
with names engraved
staring back
in your reflection.

Risk

Nerves like hot wires.  My heart smells impending rejection. Pensive, I lie awake contemplating the risk I am about to take. Bittersweet anticipation swirls throughout my body as I picture letting ten, nearly complete, strangers a glimpse into my soul. Eight short hours to pass until my poem, wrought with my heart's deepest thoughts, awaits the critique of my professor and classmates. Although the critic I fear most is in my head, poisoning the little hope I have. Words flail against my innermost, unguarded thoughts. Hoping for the honest critique of my fellow comrades, I want to quiet his voice for good.

Deep reflections unconsciously embedded in the recesses of my soul sprout into daylight.  Threat to this newly formed life constitutes more than correcting syntax and grammar; The real threat: the critic’s voice propelling fear as I write honest details, breaching my level of comfortable vulnerability. Vague and abstract thoughts build a barrier of ambiguity, impervious to my insecurity.  Another voice comes through loud and clear sharing truth that compels to risk again: A good writer is specific, detailing concrete images and experiences scaling all five senses. Then these words resounded within the walls of my mind:

"Playing it safe may keep you from scrapes and bruises, but never gets you anywhere. To accomplish great things, one must risk every last drop of confidence for the holy cause. Success is born out of risk. If you fail, life is not over. You get up and keep going. And, pray of course that God will guard you against unnecessary suffering."

Surprising passion erupt in me as I discover the depth of untapped ambitions for writing. A summary of the experience I describe as the most enjoyable pain I've ever experienced. Sacrificing typical pleasures, my daily focus narrow to five simple tasks: Sleep. Eat. Class. Work. Write. ...Do over.

Mercies in Disguise

 "Blessings" by Laura Story is a new favorite song of mine. The depth of her lyrics are all the sweeter because I know the story from which they were inspired. In fact, I knew her husband before a brain tumor hospitalized him in 2006. Before this tragedy, he was on staff with the college ministry that led me to Christ. Laura Story's faith was put through the unexpected fires of fear and loneliness as she watched her husband suffer; most young newlyweds don’t imagine their spouse being kept alive at one point by breathing machines or having to find their way through significant post-operative vision and memory loss.

“Life is filled with things you don’t expect, but the Bible tells us to respond by trusting God and continuing to worship him,” Laura begins. “Martin (my husband) hasn’t received complete healing—and that can be hard at times when we view God as all-powerful and all-loving. But here we are now saying, ‘Yes, this is how faith works.’ God has proven to be faithful. We have been truly blessed out of a circumstance that at first didn’t seem like much of a blessing at all.”



Singing and teaching in churches across the United States, Western Europe, and South America, she believes “we have a voice that wasn’t there prior to this suffering. I can hardly begin to tell you of the hundreds of hurting people we’ve prayed with, people going through more than we have. This is a chance to share the gospel.” (http://www.laurastorymusic.com/bio)

The lyrics of her song sting to the core and comfort all at once. Truthfully, I don't love to suffer or have my desires go unfulfilled or experience loss. However, it is a comfort to know that these temporary unpleasantries are God's mercies in disguise. The object of our hope makes all the difference. Hope is desire, expectancy, anticipation of something that will come. It's a fixation on something worth waiting for, and even worth suffering for. Titus 2:13 says we are "waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works."


True and lasting hope is only found in Jesus Christ. When we pray, our prayers  should be for that which draws us closer to Christ. When we long, it should be for the heavenly. When we hope it should on the confident expectation that Christ is coming again and will make all things new. And for now, He is "a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul" (Hebrews 6:19). Hope in present sovereignty and future triumph!

WHY? Because when we put our hope in objects of comfort, peace, protection or in people or in feelings, we will eventually crumble along with collapse of those things. Put your hope in Christ and the loss of these things won't shatter you to pieces. He is "a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul" and when all else fails, He remains. All else pales in comparison. I've said too much...read the lyrics below. Let the words bless your heart.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Transcending Strength

Although great pain often disturbs the judgement I thank God I have not been allowed to doubt the goodness of the Lord in afflicting me, I bless his holy name for every sharp pang, and I entreat him to bring forth some good thing out of this present evil.  If he will but glorify himself in me or by me I shall be the happiest of men.

Let us always seek sanctification through affliction rather than escape from it.  I have no question that there is great wisdom in the Lord’s laying aside his instruments.  It is for his own glory, for thereby he shows that he is not in need of them; and it is for their humbling, for hereby they learn how deep is their need of him.…We may be sure that, if the Lord dries up a cistern, it is because he would have us fly to the fountain of inexhaustible strength. [Charles Spurgeon, 1890]

I would go to the deeps a hundred times to cheer a downcast spirit. It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might know how to speak a word in season to one that is weary. C. Spurgeon 

This was a good word for me this morning...woke at 2 am sleepless until just before my alarm went off at 5:30 am. Got out of bed at 2:30 a.m. to read my bible. Proverbs. My eyes blurrily staring at the page, I battled frustration over this continual affliction with insomnia....frustration rooted in entitlement and pride. I felt entitled to a good night's sleep and I was frustrated because I knew all too well how a day goes without sleep. Not fun to say the least!

At 6:30 a.m., I was already at my morning nanny job. Exhausted,  my attitude started to sink back into self-pity and entitlement. Then I stopped. I decided right then that I was going to decide a different course for today based on the strength accessed through the Holy Spirit. Here is how I pleaded with the Lord:

"Father, I need you to save me today from acting out in my flesh. I will be more prone to seek comfort in things outside of you and I already have a bad attitude because I woke up at 2 am and could not sleep. I know how this normally goes if I don't ask, so please help me resist impulsive reaches for comfort outside of You. I pray for my attitude to be that of Paul as His was of Christ. I confess that I am frustrated, maybe even angry, that I have to go through yet another day feeling this way. Be my strength."

Random thoughts were popping into my head as I lay there, my attention divided and constrained. I was half reading Proverbs, trying to talk myself out of a bad attitude and half distracted by the following recently heard mantras bouncing around in my head:

"One of the hardest decisions I make everyday is to follow Christ." -Unknown
"Suffering informs our teaching, preaching, counseling..." Jonathan Woodlief, (fellow seminarian)
"Christ's power is perfected in weakness" Paul, Romans 12:9-10
"Suffer well....remember that God is sovereign and He has not abandon you to your circumstances"... "As a child of God under mercy, anything that comes my way is discipline." Matt Chandler
"Those whom God will use greatly, He will wound deeply. It is His mercy to keep them humble." A.W. Tozer

In the middle of my circular montage of complaints and contemplating escape, a particular man came to my mind. The book containing his letters to loved ones chronicling his lifetime of suffering is one of my favorites to read over and over again. His stories are always so inspiring because they show that his suffering did not terminate on Himself, but led him to something greater than Himself. That is how He was able to deal so joyfully with the trials and tribulations he faced. His name is Paul; He was one of the most influential missionaries of all time, afflicted in many ways through weakness and suffering. He rejoiced in His suffering because it allowed him to tangibly reveal a portion of Christ's afflictions to make the mystery of God more fully known to everyone he encountered. (Colossians 1:24-29)

Once, he said of his weaknesses that they are a thorn in his flesh to keep him from becoming too elated or proud...therefore he boasted in God and not Himself. It is out of the discipline of His love that God allows weakness/suffering in our lives. Paul Himself pleaded with the Lord to remove the thorn in his flesh (weakness unspecified), but the Lord said to Him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." For Paul, His weakness was a reason to boast in and rest in the power of Christ. I'm sure he did not enjoy his weaknesses whatever they happened to be, but he said "for the sake of Christ, then, I am well content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." This strength, he implies, is from Christ in him promised through the Holy Spirit.

I made a decision today not to allow my physical/mental weakness be a reason to give in to the flesh, world and devil, but rather a reason to depend on Christ and boast in His power through me. I love how God has absolutely set us up for success! The enemy is trumped either way!

"The painful malady which puts the Christian minister hors de combat when he is most needed in the conflict is a kind messenger from the God of love, and is to be entertained as such: this we know, but how it can be so we cannot precisely tell." Spurgeon

Expressions of Glory

I love watching musicians perform with every instinct and talent given by God as if they are performing for an audience of one or no audience at all....It resonates with my passion for writing. When God inspires, it's supernatural. I'm always surprised by what comes out. I can't conjure it on my own and I have to be open to his leading and go with it. It is as prayerful and meditative as it is creative.God is the source of talent and inspiration, and I the conduit. The words flow and worship is expressed as I tirelessly tweak every sentence. Time flies and my soul is never as full as when I am writing for His glory. I am only thinking of Him.

Like a musician playing his instrument with every instinct and talent given by God....as I am when I write for His glory. Maybe that is why I appreciate music so much. It is an artistic expression of God through a man...part of His glory and creativity revealed!